HOW TO GET BETTER AFTER A BREAKUP
Write a list of your negative personalities
Mom told you if you don’t have anything nice to say then … well, you know the rest. However, she’d make an exception this one time. “Compile a list of all the ways this person wasn’t good for you,” recommends Winch. “Think of every annoying quality they possessed as well as all the compromises you had to make in the relationship. Keep that list on your phone so you can refer back to it whenever you start thinking they were so perfect. It’s natural to idealize both the person and the relationship.”
Cut down on social media
When you share a lot of mutual friends, unfollowing your former partner isn’t enough to rid your social media of their presence. If that’s the case, limit your social media use until you can log on without being tempted to internet-stalk. Of course, that doesn’t mean the urge will go away. “Think of things you can ‘check up’ on whenever you have the compulsion to scope out their online activity. Check on your friend who is overwhelmed with a new baby or call your parents,” suggests Rapini. While you’re doing everything you can to create separation, your well-meaning friends may be tempted to pass along any gossip they hear or see. So be proactive and let them know you’re struggling to move on and it’s best if they keep you in the dark.
Forget the end episode
You know real life doesn’t play out like a rom-com, yet you may find yourself wishing you experienced a dramatic break-up, like a “He cheated on me” or “She was secretly in love with her best friend” scenario in order to move on. Unfortunately what tends to happenin real life is that two people slowly drift apart, and after the split, one of you is left wondering, why?? One thing you need to understand is that underneath the desperate need for closure is a desire to get back together. “There’s this fantasy that if you just keep asking, you’ll discover something that will allow you to undo what happened and get back together with that person,” says Winch. The healthy thing to do is accept that you simply weren’t meant to be together. If the other person isn’t able to articulate why they no longer want to be with you, tell yourself that the fact that your former partner couldn’t commit, or didn’t love you enough, is all the explanation you need to properly close that chapter. “The subtext of those explanations are ‘I deserve someone who can commit,’ ‘I deserve someone who can love me enough,’ and ‘I deserve somebody who appreciates everything about me.’”
Keep doing those things that makes you feel good
So maybe you can’t bear to go to that spin class where everyone knows you as half of “Amy and John,” but that doesn’t mean everything healthy you did together has to go out the window. “I find that some people give up activities like attending church or volunteering because it was something they did with their partner,” says Rapini. “What you really should be doing is trying new experiences as well as continuing the activities that support your core values. It’s all about balance.”
So, that it didn’t work out doesn’t mean you are less a human. Cry over it, and get over it. Move on.